I Need You
by Jars of Clay

Strangely out of place
There is a light filling this room where
None would follow before

I can’t deny it burns me up inside
I fan the flames to melt away my pride
Do I want shelter from the rain
Or the rain to wash me away

I need You, I need You, I need You
I need You, I need You, I need You

You’re all I’m living for
I might sound like a fool
But I think I felt You moving closer to me

Face to the ground to hide the fatal cut
I fight the weight,
I feel You lift me up
You are the shelter from the rain
And the rain to wash me away

Face to the ground to hide the fatal cut
I fight the weight,
I feel You lift me up
I can’t deny it burns me upside
I fan the flames to melt away my pride
Only have a second to spare
All the time in the world to know
You’re there
You are the shelter from the rain'
And the rain to wash me away

yenn: hope this song clear ur mind and follow ur heart, follow ur path to where He wants you to go

yenny blogged on 10:21 AM

i guess i understand today.
he wants out.
i must accept. i must learn to accept rejection.

i kinda feel angry
with the fact that all these while i was being led on.
taken on this wondeful ride.
ride filled with so much bliss and happiness.
i was so happy.
and suddenly, i'm being kicked aside with no proper explaination cuz i cant decipher your thoughts neither can i ask you directly what the heck u're trying to say. things between us are afterall, so ambigious.

stop lying. stop lying.
tell me what you are thinking. stop brushing me aside and putting me off with your sudden change in attitude. mabbie its just me being too sensitive and all. mabbie i read too much into things and matters. but, crap. i dont have testicles and a dick. i cant help but not be able to think in prespective no matter how much i want to. i'm being friggin plagued by the female emotions and thoughts. its not a froiden slip whatever i said. i did it with much courage and thinking.

dont know how things can slip to this stage.

i'm hurt and disappointed. tears are falling and i cant stay so strong anymore.
i have to decide whether or not to let go.
its painful.
it hurts.

.so.sedated.so.secure. - i really wonder.

`saRahh~* blogged on 8:19 AM

baaa baaa black sheep have you any woool.. yes sir yes sir three bags full...
one for my master and one for the dame.. one for the little boy that lives down the lane..
---------------
three blind mice.. threee blind mice.. see how they run.. see how they run.. they all ran after the farmers' wife.. who cut of their tails with a carving knife.. have you ever see such a thing in you life as three blind mice.. three blind mice...
---------------
oh what hideous fairy tales these songs are. in fact, when you think of it. its rather twisted.. imagine a talking sheep.. and like mice wearing those blind man glasses.
what a twisted world.

fairy tales are evil make beliefs.. it falsifies the whole environment and twists your thoughts. it makes you hope for so much. and it plays with your brain.. when things do not go your way, you get a mental breakdown.. see the picture.. happy myth --> hopeful happy individual --> devastated individual --> mental breakdown.. and all the hopes and vicious cycle repeats after some time..
oh what a wonderful world.

my fingers felt itchy and i felt this uptight urge to blog. you know. its just like the itch on your face. you have to scratch when its itchy. no point holding back cuz u'll feel awful.
i'm feeling particularly crappy..

i got a new pair of nikes today.. 3 pairs of nike socks.. 1 pair of nike shorts. 1 nike shirt.. i wanted more. but didnt have my size.. the sports bras didnt look nice. so well.. i had to pass. oh yea. i got a nice nike jacket for yun nan but i doubt it will hold me up.. 5 degrees... how the heck cold is 5 deg.. i nearly froze to death in new zealand.. it was around 10 deg.. 5 deg and below.. oh man.. someone hug me.. wahahahaa.. right..

lalalaa.. u guys are friggin lucky.. no more chinese.. and poooor sarah has crappy chinese ao to sit for.. likeee.. what the crap man.. boy oh boy.. i cant seem to make myself study dangs.. and edgar.. we're talking already...

i told him and i burst the bubble.. no reply of that sort.. but oh well.. one cant ask for too much.. at least now things are back to normal and we are talking normally. my class is having a chalet tomorrow.. yes.. tomorrow. on a school day.. hahaa... we're gona go to school on tuesday hangovered and all.. wahahaa...

im off.. need to bathe.. and i dont know.. slack somemore.. mabbie i'll go watch one episode of SATC.. yepppp.. seeeya

`saRahh~* blogged on 7:38 AM

the diamond story was one which made me cry so hard 15 months ago. it made me realise so many things. it made me grow up. it made me learn to slowly let go of things that i love. it made me a better person in many ways.

i can admit 15 months ago, i faced the worst time ever in my life. everyday passed so slowly and painfully and daily, i wondered if i would ever survive and live through all that hurt and pain. i was literally shattered and i guess, i wont ever feel so much agony ever again. i remember all those emotions vividly and i guess, nothing could ever remove the scars.

trials passed one by one for me, testing me mentally, physically and so many times i felt drained and i had thoughts of giving up and letting go of all that i have held unto. i nearly did. the only reason why i did not was due to the support i had all around. the smiles, the hugs, the tears which fell with mine, everyone. they were all there for me. they pulled me up time and again and i can never forget how we went through that.

everyday, i felt like shutting myself out, cutting myself from the world and fading into oblivion. they did not allow me. they kept pulling me up. calling. talking. going out. i smiled, but i cried like mad inside. it just twisted and wirthed uncontrollably. it seriously hurt so bad till many times, i felt that plunging a knife in there would hurt less. everywhere i went, i cried. passed a bus stop we once waited for a bus, i cried. tears just fell non stop inside and came from time to time each day outside.

this story made me realise so much. i cried whilst reading it. cried after. and many days after. even months later, i was still crying silently. i never want to go through all that pain ever again. months passed and everyday i would remember this story. to smile and to have a hope. i finally did. but i wont ever forget. its too painful to. i still feel that pain.

i have not cried really for some time. but now. i feel like letting it all out. it is true that i have been really really happy the past few days. i wont deny. but suddenly, tears just want to fall. my future is so unknown. friends are leaving my life. people are getting kicked out of school, people are not going to promote. all these is too real. even me. i am not that intelligent. i probably wont have the mental capablities to sit through a levels. no. dont argue with me. these are all facts. i cant possibly smoke through my life. what my history teacher said is right. i lack many skills. i'm not analytical enough. i have potential yet i am very weak. this setback is one which will pull me down big time. and how you try, it wont ever be recitified.

mabbie i'm just meant to be in the middle part of the society. never ever able to be at the top of the ladder. i am after all not that brillant. i managed to get past PSLE, past streaming, past o levels mabbie hopefully promos. what about a levels? however hard i study. if i do not have that analytical mind, i just wont get it. so will i be able to scrape through a levels? okay. lets say i manage to do it. will i be able to progress furthur after a levels? i doubt i will get into the faculty i want in uni due to sheer competitveness. so i will have to settle for the next best. then it might be my forte. then i screw up. or, i wont scrape through anymore. so life down spirals from there.

later if i happen to get a job, due to my inability, i'll probably always be so low. i'll be struggling to make ends meet, with probably a husband and kids. send my kids to school, work, do not have quality time with them, and probably no sex with my husband due to the screwed up lifestyle. later, i see them possibly graduating and life starts to flash before my eyes as i regret and regret and regret. and then, i pass and go.

just what is the point of living then. when eventually you will go? what is the point of striving so hard, when you might fail? must you always be faced with uncertainties and risks? why not let it end soon. why do you need to live the full cycle till old age. what indeed is the point of studying when all you know is that you may get mediocre jobs, a middle class bougiosie lifestyle? there is simply no point. the social structure is so twisted. so typical that its either you're up or you're down. why should people be plauged by material urges and needs such that they must strive for the best and in doing so, eliminating the hopefuls, and creating the elites and the outcasts? is there a point in life then?

cuz if life is really as such, you are not living a life. you are living a routine. something which billions of other individuals are living. what makes you a class above the rest then? intelligence? money? status? just what is the point? of having money, social status? why not everyone be equals? then there wont ever be this stigma created. everyone is happy. there is a pseudo utopia created. the world would be so perfect and no one would question the reason of life repeatedly.

people say life is something where you will face ups and downs. whats the point of facing a down when at anytime you might die. so why not be happy. are you really happy with what you have now? all the uncertainties, all the questions which flood your head? why not be happy and carefree and leave your brains empty and free of thoughts, worries and anything evil?

isnt that what the Lord wanted? people to be happy humans. this is seen through adam and eve. why did the Lord want to create the tree on wisdom in the garden of eden then. was it intended or did he have no choice cuz with each good comes evil? i dont know man. the world is screwed up just like i am and i'm going to sink back into depression.

`saRahh~* blogged on 7:10 PM

wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
it's been a long time since we have our bbq or get together gathering n this time round though it's just going to tow, i feel it's a fun outing. exciting in fact cuz we r either going to make it or break it--> edgar's image!!! hahaha... so what is her comment abt ur makeover edgar ???

i particularly like the part where edgar stood there and get teased by the turkey man, wasnt it a fun ice cream fare ??? edgar, you better try to figure out how to style ur hair nicely yeah. somehow im just so curious abt guys cutting ur hairs since i saw u guys have pretty hard time having a nice hairdo. look at kim's hair!!! hahaha ... it looks funny. but it's pretty alright yeah ... and guess what ??? i went with miyekki and issaru today to check out their new hairdo. miyekki's turn out to be nice cuz it's quite difficult to cut his hair with the two side protruding out and that woman did a good job. the saloon named the visible difference really made a visible difference to miyekki's new hairdo. it's nice but he needs to style it. as for issaru, his hair is just a little bit shorter, the style is still the same. hehehe...

maybe next time, it's the girls who shd get a new haircut, but girls cut hair at double the price of girls or maybe even triple. why not rah n gan let me try huh ?? to cut ur hair ?? hehe ...

sruoy ylerecnis
ynney

yenny blogged on 8:20 AM

brother...
are you okaee?? hahahaa.. i just read the super uber lame THE KING CRAB story.. i mean.. just what the heck is going through your brain?? you reliving your childhood ah?
hahaa.. oh well.. to tell you honestly. i was laughin when i read the really spastic story. its not because its funny.. i was laughing at you damn it...

oh wells.. its 10 am and im sitting on my computer chair. it almost seems as if i have nothing better to do. oh wait. i do have something to do. i've got to like read my lit books cuz theres a test next week on them.. but darn.. i have no mood la. i mean who the heck would. sheeeesh.. hahaa.. ditto that.. mabbie i should stop rattling on and on. go brush my teeth or something.. i'm off..
wait no.. i wana rattle another 2 paragraphs or so.. haha.. yea..

tomorrow i get back my results. i wonder how i'll fare. oh crap. stop thinking about it sarah. oh my gosh.. this is bad.. imagine having all these waves of thoughts not coming to your brain. i feel so void of stuff in my brain.. seems like after the exams i've turned stupid cuz i've like poo'ed all the facts which i have studied for into the toilet bowl.. hahaa.. oh well.. thats life.. then yous tudy again and work your brain out and then poo it out again after the exams.. oh wow.. what a wonderfullll world..

i see grass so greeen, red roses tooo, violets are violet, blueberries are not blue.. but i sing to myself... oh yea.. what a wonderful worlddd.. hahaa.. sheesh.. smack myself.. i'm not alright.. haha.. i'm almost high. on nothing. which is pretty sad.. haha.. but im not sad. okae. i'll stop crapping.. haha.. mabbie i should be like edgar.. he has the king crab story, i shall come up with my own.. the dracula story or something goth.. hahaa.. nono.. mabbie utopic like.. hmm.. the andriod story? or the utopia story. hahaa.. next post la.. now.. my brain juices have been squeezed beyond redemption. what lies in the brain of mine is this uncanny blank and hole.. hahaa.. toodless..

`saRahh~* blogged on 7:04 PM

I don't know where to begin
I don't know how to get out there to see you
I don't know where to dig in
I don't know how to get in there...to feel you

It's been too long and I'm about to be in time for me
It's been too long and I'm in time

Baby there's something about you that
I can hold on to
I'm going to hold on to that
Baby there's something about you that
I can hold on to
I'm going to hold on to that

I never thought I would win
I never thought much about that
(It's been a long time coming)
I never stopped to begin
Thinking about the process
(It's been a long time coming)

It's been too long and I'm about to be in time for me
It's been too long and I'm in time

Baby there's something about you that
I can hold on to I'm going to hold on to that
Baby there's something about you that
I can hold on to
I'm going to hold on to that

And I'm going to be there...be there...alright

I don't know where to begin
I don't know how to get out there to see you
Baby there's something about you that
I can hold on to I'm going to hold on to that
Baby there's something about you that
I can hold on to
I'm going to hold on to that
(repeat)

It's been a long time coming
I'm going to hold on to that

been a long time since i last felt this way. everyday, im like plagued with thoughts.
somehow, everyday has been like so blissful for me. it seems as if i'm living it to its fullest moment. should i die, i would have no regrets. haha.. dooms day is nearing, scared i may be, but im happy. i'm happy with how everything is turning out so far.

i cant thank god anymore for everything. my friends, my family, all of you, the people closest to my heart and even him though we are just friends.. haha.. =) so wonderful.

i guess, i learnt, how you wana feel towards life is how you want to see it. like you can always look on the negative side and life would forever suck to you. i just hope i will stop ever looking on the negatives but instead always stick to the positives like now.

lallaaaa.. its a beautiful, the moon is shining, my air con is off, im online, listening to nice music. smsing someone so beautiful, so hot, so cute.. wahhaa.. im waiting for some answers and whatever it is, life is once so live it? haha.. i hope all goes well. i love u all.. cant wait to se eyou all later... take care~

`saRahh~* blogged on 8:50 AM

-let the rain falls and washes away the hatred-

my dear jie jie, maybe he isnt as thoughtful as u, u know u r one of the kind in their (man) species, as they r insensible but you are. forget what he says and perhaps the sky will be bluer.. friends, true enough come and go, but if u sincerely wants him to stay, he will stay ... (if he treats you like his true friend)

im so sorry my dear sisters, my comp was really down then... until now, it's finally revived and i could read all the entries one by one. i wanna be there for jie and rah all the time. please hold on to it rah. XXX is facing the last major exams in his entire life, he cannot fail to this trial. i just think he needs time off to study and focus. he doesnt want a relationship to tie him down or make him cant focus. but trust me, i know he appreciates the existence of you with all the sweet little things you do for him. don;t say that he was appalled or something, i guess he just doesnt know how to express his emotion. and when he has a chem test tmr yet he talks to the wee hours in the night with you, i could think that he needs someone to be there for him at this point of the time. im sure you know that and you gladly be there for him. i just feel that u gotta let him face the a levels first before u know, he can clear his thought and talk to u heart to heart.

jie jie, i dunno what happen. what muscle man said to u. but, if anything is wrong and u need someone to talk to, im here k :) my jie jie, arent u excited about this sun ?? haha actually i want it to be on saturday. it would be more fun. do u guys have school on monday ??? jie jie, whatever you do, i have thorough support to u yeah . reading tru all the entries, yeah man, u r qualified!! more mature!! not the edgar i knew 6 years ago, carrying his water bottle and running around the pri school playground playing catching!!! ooopppssss !! did i justr reveal ur secret ??? : X

yenn
love u all

yenny blogged on 3:49 AM

i'm having this bitter-sweet emotion now..
its like. i dont quite know why either. all i know is that, its painful yet satisfying.

i did something for him today..

bought him waffles frm tampines and brought it to school for him. haha. its really retarded. but i wanted to do that cuz i felt he was working his butt and ass off with a levels and poor boy cant even go out for decent and sumptous food like me. u'll probably go like awww... so sweet.. i guess, its if only i could have seen that emotion in his eyes. what i got was pure shock and surprise. u could see guilt climbing through the sides of his eyes. but not one of those looks gave me that "wow you are sooo sweet" reaction. mabbie i'm asking for too much. afterall, a levels has changed him, taken him away from me. this is the bitter part.

he grinned 3 times at me today. 3 pathetic times. but he looks gorgeous nontheless. it was sweet cuz of that.

he leaves me hanging yet again as the weather started becoming stormy and cold last night. i wish i can ask for more. but i know i cant. who am i anyways. i'm no one.

funny thing is that, he called me 2 nights ago and spoke to me till 3 am. he had school and a major chem test the next day. but he refused and was so reluctant to put down. he was like playing some game with me again dropping hell of many hints. problem with me that night was that, i took in his hints and did not play the fire game with him. instead, i stayed away and acted like some attentive audience. i might miss the chance to ever play with fire or to ever talk to him so late again ever again.

i'm not sad. neither am i miserable. i'm just plain confused. how is he able to be so strong about this whole thing. yet i'm constantly being thrown curveballs?

when he asked whats my ideal boyfriend and stuff, i asked him the same question and he practically listed down all my bloody characteristics.. what the heck. can he stop playing games with me? hahaa.. edgar.. its not ashri.. dont use that forbidden name in webpages.. its dangerous business.. in two days time, i will go and edit the posts okae.. put XXX as his name. hahaa..

enough. i'm going to nap. i need to sleep on this and pray and hope tomorrow will be a better day. =) love all of you.. =D

`saRahh~* blogged on 4:11 AM

i am so sick of trying to contact you like you are some busy man.
if you even care about this friendship anymore.
by all means give me a ring.
you know who i am talking about.
the one who never picks up my calls.

dont say that i dont try contacting you. i did. you dont pick up. and you expect me to say all the multitudes of words i need to say in a pathetic 3 conjoined messages. or to repeatedly message and reply your replies. sorry. i'm busy. i'm sick and tired of trying. dont give me the exam is here so i cant talk crap. 5 minutes wont kill. a little wish good luck for you wont entitle you to be labelled a failure in the exams. because you know you wont.

its your drive which pushes you. gave you that place in that top school today. that drive that kept your grades above a pass. that push that gave you your post in your cca. you know its that inherent push in you. dont do not give me crap such as i do not have time, i need to study. I AM the one with grades below a pass. I AM the one pushing so hard yet i fail. I AM the one who cares for you despite you being missing in action. I AM the one who tries to call. I AM the one who might get kicked out of school I AM the one who may processed on to 05A201. I AM the one. not you.

i am annoyed. yes i am. you claim that i am very angry with you. YES I WAS. but now I AM NOT. how many times do i need to reitterate. tell me just how many times. after all these, you cant even forward. i said forward i decent good luck sms. even if you do not have the damn time in the world, will a bloody full stop kill 100,000 brain cells and whatever you have studied in your brain? let me answer this for you. NO IT BLOODY WONT. yes. you've heard me. there are people out there who mug so hard yet they are nice enough to send me something so sweet. something to push me on. and you know what? they arnt even as close as you to me. so what. have formalities all faded with friendship? or do you not even have time?

so well. you said sorry. yea. okae. so? you got your henchman to pass the message to you. and it was cuz you bumbed into him so you conveniently passed the message. so if you didnt bump into each other. i wouldnt have heard anything from you would i? *pukes* im disgusted. the way my friendship with you means so little. all the times we spent together studying, bonding, having hell loads of fun. its all gone down the chimmney eh? so i see. no point tell me that whatever i said is not true. i'm in the middle of promos too and i have 7 and a half hours worth of papers to sit for tomorrow. 7 and a half hours of memorising work. and i cant concentrate cuz im so affected by how much i mean to you now. since you cant pick up your phone, dont blame me for being A big bitch for putting this up. this is afterall the only way for me to get to you now.

there can only be two reactions to your face now.
1) you are giving me that disgusted look, rolling you eyes, feeling angry and saying what the hell
2) you are feeling remorseful and you're thinking about everything. our friendship.
which one would you be?

`saRahh~* blogged on 5:56 AM